


Harry Potter jokes collection

by SlytherinSnape93



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Dirty Jokes, F/M, Funny, Jokes, M/M, Nonsense, One Shot Collection, School, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 22:08:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29107569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlytherinSnape93/pseuds/SlytherinSnape93
Summary: Here it is ...A collection about some jokes and Nonsense with the Harry Potter characters !Hope you'll like this !I know I' ll have  fun in writing them!Ifyou have a Request ... Don't forget to post it
Relationships: Albus Dumbledore/Minerva McGonagall, Harry Potter/Severus Snape, James Potter/Lily Evans Potter
Comments: 6
Kudos: 24





	1. WC

Albus and Minerva decided to spend a few days of vacation in Germany, as had been their habit for several years now. During a walk in the countryside, they noticed a 'For Sale' sign next to a lovely rustic cottage; ecstatic, they decided to make it their summer residence.

They contacted the owner, Severus Snape, and arranged with him to visit the house inside.

On the agreed day, at the appointed time, the couple reached the place where the property was located in their old but highly efficient car.

Accompanied by Mr Snape, they visited the house and were very enthusiastic about it.

It was just right for them: away from the smog and noise of the city, with lots of green around and lots of pure air.

So they made arrangements to go to the notary to prepare the deed of sale.

They got into the car and set off home.

On the way back, Albus and Minerva talked about the many good things they had found in that little house, and how kind the owner, Mr. Snape, had been.

At a certain point, however, they realized that, taken by euphoria, they had forgotten to visit the bathroom.

Once they arrived at home, Minerva immediately wrote an email to Mr. Snape asking him for information:

"Dear Mr. Snape, I am the woman who the other day came to visit her cottage in the country.

My husband and I have now realized that during our visit we forgot to ask you to be able to see the W.C.

Please therefore enlighten us on this.

Thank you."

Receiving the email, Severus did not exactly understand the meaning of the abbreviation W.C .; he thought and thought, and finally he guessed that it was an Anglican church called White Chapel, not far from his home.

You can imagine Minerva's surprise when she, a few days later, found herself reading the reply email, with detailed explanation from Mr. Snape:

“Dear Mrs. Dumbledore, I greatly appreciated your request and I am pleased to inform you that the place you are interested in is twelve kilometers away from the house I showed you;

I therefore admit it is somewhat inconvenient to access it, especially for regulars.

Those who usually stay long for functions, are advised to bring breakfast with them so that they can stop for the whole day without excessive discomfort.

The place can be reached on foot, by bicycle, by car.

It is preferable to arrive early to avoid being left out or hampering the movement of others.

There is room for about forty people seated and one hundred standing in the room.

An air conditioning system ensures that the air is constantly kept pure.

To find a seat, you must arrive promptly.

The children sit next to their parents and they all sing in chorus.

At the entrance it is possible to pick up some sheets of paper which, after use, must be returned to the exit, possibly in good condition, because they will be reused by the people who come after.

Those who arrive late could be left without a leaflet: in this case they can still ask the neighbor if he kindly allows them to use his.

Large amplifiers ensure a perfect and effective diffusion of sounds which in this way can also be heard by those who are outside.

Everything that visitors lovingly leave is collected and distributed to the poor of the country.

Finally, there are photographers who, on request, provide to portray the absorbed attitudes of people intent on such profound meditation.

Looking forward to seeing you again, I offer you my best regards.

Mr. Severus Snape ”.


	2. Speed Limit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus is driving but then is stopped by a police officer ....

**Severus Snape was driving when he was stopped by a policeman, forpassing the speed limit:**

**Policeman: "Can I see your driver's license?".**

**Severus: "I don't have it, they suspended it forpassing the speed limit”.**

**Policeman: "Can you show me the registration document of the car?".**

**Severus: "The car is not mine, I stole it".**

**Policeman: "Is the car stolen?".**

**Severus: “Exactly. But wait a minute, I think I saw the booklet while I was putting the gun in the glove box ”.**

**Policeman: "Is there a gun in the glove compartment?".**

**Severus: “Sure. That's where I put it after shooting the woman who was in this car and putting her in the trunk. "**

**Policeman: "Is there a CORPSE in the trunk ?!".**

**Severus: "Yes, sir".**

**After hearing all this, the policeman immediately called his captain at the station.**

**The car was quickly surrounded by police and the captain approached the car to resolve the serious matter:**

**Captain: "Sir, can I see your driver's license?"**

**Severus: “Of course. Here it is, as you can see it is valid ”.**

**Captain: "Who owns the car?".**

**Severus: “It's mine sir. Here is the booklet.".**

**Captain: "Can you slowly open the glove compartment and show me if it contains weapons?".**

**Severus: "Sure sir, look, there's nothing, see?".**

**In fact, there was no weapon in the glove compartment.**

**Captain: “Can you slowly open the trunk? I have been told that it contains a corpse ”.**

**Severus: "Without the slightest problem".**

**The trunk was opened and contained no dead bodies.**

**Captain: “I don't understand.**

**The policeman who stopped her told me that she told him that she did not have a license, that she had stolen the car, that she had a gun in the glove compartment and that there was a corpse in the trunk ".**

**Severus: “Really!?! And I bet that liar, son of a bitch also told you I was passing the speed limit. "**


	3. Fear of the dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus Is afraid of the dark so he asks his parents if he could sleep with them ...

One evening Severus who was afraid of the dark asked his parents for permission to sleep with them.

In the middle of the night his father Tobias woke up and said, "Eileen, let's make love!"

“No, come on, Severus is with us!"

“Don't worry, Severus is asleep!"

"I tell you that he isn't asleep !"

"Severus, are you asleep?"

And Severus replied: "NO!"

So Severus was beaten up by his parents.

The next day at school the teacher asked him why he was beaten and scratched all over his body.

Severus explained what had happened and the teacher replied: "But Severus when your parents ask you if you are sleeping you don't have to answer no!"

After about a week the problem returned and Severus again asked to sleep with his parents.

But in the middle of the night his father woke up "Eileen, let's make love!"

“No, come on, Severus is with us!"

"Don't worry, Severus is asleep!"

"I tell you he isn't asleep .. try if you don't trust me!”

"Severus, are you asleep?"

And Severus replied: "YES!"

So he was beaten up by his parents again and more viciously.

The next day at school the teacher asked him why he had a broken arm and a bandaged head.

Severus explained what had happened and the teacher replied: "Severus when your parents ask you if you are sleeping, don't answer either no or yes .. just stay silent!”

After about two weeks the problem returned and Severus again asked to sleep with his parents.

In the middle of the night Tobias woke up "Eileen, let's make love!"

“No, come on, Severus is with us!"

“Don't worry, Severus is asleep!"

"I tell you he isn't asleep .. try if you don't trust me!”

"Severus, are you asleep?"

Severus didn't answer.

"Severus, are you asleep?"

Again Severus didn't answer.

The next day Severus went to school in a wheelchair, all blindfolded and wearing a collar.

So the teacher asked him for explanations.

Severus said, "Professor, last night I asked my parents if I could sleep with them and they said yes.

Then at a certain point my father woke up and he told my mother that he wanted to make love, but my mother didn't want to because I was there.

So they asked me if Iwas asleep two or three times and I have always been silent.

Then I heard panting, the bed was shaking the sheets were moving and my father then said to my mother "Eileen I'm coming" and my mother replied "I'm coming too!".

So I got up and said “Where the fuck are you going I'm afraid of the dark!"


	4. The impertinent neighbor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus Snape is a very impertinent neighbor ... or is he ?

Severus Snape rang the doorbell of his neighbors, the Potters.

Lily Potter, opened the door looking at him confused: "Good morning beautiful lady! ...

Do you like sucking cock? " he asked her.

Blushing in astonishment Lily yelled at Snape and shut the door in his face.

The next day Snape again rang at the Potters' door:

" Good morning! ...

You are truly a splendid creature, Mrs. Potter! ...

Do you like being sodomised? ".

Blushing in horror, Lily yelled: " You are a pig, Mr Snape, how dare you?!” and she closed the door in his face.

On the third day Severus reappeared and asked her: "Good morning, ... wonderful and intriguing Mrs. Potter! ...

Do you like S&M games? "

Lily blushedfuriously and threatened Snape to call the police; then slammed the door in his face.

Not being able to take it anymore, Lily confided in her husband James who decided to lurk behind the door, so he could be able to intervene when Snape returned.

The next day Snape showed up and Lily went to open the door, reassured of her husband's closeness.

Severus once again made his obscene proposals: "Good morning my sweet and sensual Lady! ...

I ask you the courtesy to make me a further confidence: ... do you like to say dirty words while making love? "

Lily blushing played along and answered looking Severus straight in the eye with arrogant and unscrupulous confidence:" Of course I like it !

I like everything, and a lot too! ...

So, my dear Mr Snape… tell me…

What do we want to do? "A

nd Snape:" Ma'am, allow me some embarrassment, but I would kindly ask you to tell that swine of your husband, since he already has everything in his house, that he has absolutely no reason to bother my wife! " .


	5. The dentist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry goes to his dentist Mr. Snape ...

Harry went to his dentist, Mr. Snape.

"Open your mouth Mr. Potter," Snape told Harry.

“With pleasure” said Harry, “do I have to close my eyes too?”

"As you like," Snape said.

"All right.

So if I close just one eye, you don’t mind? " Harry asked.

"It doesn't matter to me," Snape said in annoyance "just shut one eyeif you like."

"And which one should I close?" Harry then asked confusedly

“The right or the left one?

It is almost almost better to do this: firstI close the right and then the left.

Don't you think so? "

“I only want you to open your mouth Mr Potter” Severus grumbledbeginning to lose his patience.

"I have no trouble opening my mouth," Harry said

"If you want me to open my mouth, I'll open it without making a fuss.

I came to you to do what you want,you can ask me anything .

So much so that I asked you if you want me to close my eyes.

And if you want, I'll close them, look. "

Harry closed his eyes then opened them again and looked at the poor dentist.

“You see?” Harry said. “I do whatever you want Mr. Snape.

Do you think I have trouble lifting a leg if you ask me to ?

I get it up immediately, look. "

Harry lifted one leg.

"Mr. Potter! " Severus yelled suddenly losing his temper and banging his pliers on the floor.

“Who did you take me for?

For a fool?

Go away, go away. "

Harry stood up.

"I don't understand," he stammered, mortified.

“I come here to have my tooth pulled out and I do whatever you want: I open my mouth, close my eyes, lift my leg and then you scream like that!

I am also willing to wash my face, take off my jacket, cut my hair, scratch my knee!

What more do you want Mr. Snape?

Damn, I mean, what a dentist!

I'll find another one. "

And so Harry exited the office and went grumbling down the stairs as poor Severus snorted shaking his head in desperation.


	6. Unconfortable questions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Morgan asks her parents Erica and Severus why does she have to go to bed early ...

Erica was busy cooking breakfast, while her husband Severus was reading the paper at the table.

Suddently their five years old daughter Morgan entered the kitchen “ Good morning love … How did you sleep?”

Asked Erica turning towards her daughter, who smiled at her before sitting at the table next to her father

“ I slept good mom but I don’t understand…

Why do I have to go to bed so early?”

Erica and Severus looked at each other smiling and then Severus responded “ Well honey, you are not the only one who goes to bed early …

Even me and your mom sometimes go to bed early …”

But Morgan shook her head and said “ But when you do, you stay awake for hours jumping on the bed and screaming at each other, even though mom always wins, because she screams louder than you dad …”

Severus nearly choked as his daughter said these word while Erica paled and then fainted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you go with another little mini fic ... Hope you liked it ...


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